Video games have grown from clusters of pixels on a black screen to cinematic adventures with lifelike characters voiced by all-star actors. And sometimes, these characters are so well-developed that we find ourselves emotionally drawn to them. In movies, the experience is over so quickly this doesn't have a chance to go any further, but in games, we have upwards of 100 hours with someone, and after all that time... well... emotions are silly things.

What can we say? The heart wants what the heart wants, and here are fourteen characters that still reside within our chest cavities. Er, hearts. Yeah, definitely sounds more romantic when you say 'heart'.

No one is more deserving of the phrase "I love you, man" than Roy "Big Bo" Boateng. The Rust Crew's machine-gun-toting, catchphrase-spewing heavy weapons expert is almost too much to handle and, in any other game, Big Bo probably would just be obnoxious. But he's such a great foil to Binary Domain's transhumanist melodrama, hooting and hollering about sweet headshots as the rest of your group grimly considers global politics.

French robo-commando Cain may be more charming and well-spoken, but Big Bo is your buddy through thick and thin. And Binary Domain's voice command system makes it such a bizarre joy to interact with his big, effusive personality. Rather than picking options out of a menu, you spend the campaign shouting stuff like "Big Bo! Cover me!" and "Big Bo! Nice work!", and listening to him bellow back solid gold like "THAT WAS SAH-WEET!" If you haven't fallen in love with Big Bo by the end of the game, you must not have a shred of joy in your heart.

By the time you meet Rose of Sharon Cassidy (just call her Cass), she's already lived a long, hard life. Not that anybody's life is particularly easy in the Mojave Wasteland, but hers has been particularly rough - rougher still when she hears her caravan's been burnt to the ground and decides she has nothing better to do than go traveling with you.

But even with all that taken away from her, she's still held onto two things: a dark sense of humor and a killer moonshine recipe. And those are two very good things to have in a post-apocalyptic companion. If you traveled with her father, Cassidy, in Fallout 2, you'll definitely see the resemblance - and your love for her may be more of 'daughter-I-never-had' kind than romantic. Either way, it's tough to travel with this rough-and-tumble desert flower for too long without getting sweet on her.

Not the you were expecting? Yes, Nathan Drake is a lovable rogue, but his mentor Sully has him beat in two very important areas: style and confidence. Alright, alright, three very important areas: style, confidence, and facial hair. Sully just oozes 20th century pulp-hero panache (seriously, he probably slicks back his hair with the stuff), chomping on a cigar and hopping behind the stick of his bombshell-bedecked propeller plane. It also doesn't hurt that he's the spitting image of a latter-day Errol Flynn.

But awesome adventurer traits aside, the fact that he managed to shape Nathan Drake from a roguish little pickpocket to a good-hearted treasure hunter - and that he's always willing to come back out of retirement to help him out - says it all. One of these days those endless calls to adventure might be the end of him (Uncharted 4 is subtitled A Thief's End, after all) but until then, we'll cherish every minute.

Throughout Mega Man Legends 1 and 2, Roll is the rock of the Caskett clan. She keeps Mega Man outfitted with gear and up-to-the-minute intel when he's on a mission, looks after her retired adventurer grandpa Barrel, and deals admirably with robo-monkey Data's endless hijinks. Any one of those tasks would be a full-time job by itself, but still she somehow keeps it all together. It'd be tough enough not to fall for the girl who builds you awesome new weapons with a smile, but add to that how conflicted she seems about putting you in harm's way, and resistance is futile.

Roll's so lovable that it almost sucks to see her falling for Mega Man. After all, this is the guy who 'accidentally' walks in on her changing clothes, then while she's in the bath, and pumps his arm victoriously after both occasions. That's not OK, Mega Man - you'd better treat the girl who's willing to work with her arch nemesis to build dozens of rockets so she can retrieve you from the moon right.

In any Final Fantasy game less-packed with memorable characters (let's be real, here, any other Final Fantasy) Celes Chere would clearly be the main character. Why? She kicks ass with all the strength and smarts of an imperial super-soldier. But regrets from her years of unflinching service to an increasingly evil Empire keep her aloof, even as the rest of the game's many heroes begin to relax and develop new relationships. She's like Squall and Cloud put together, minus most of the whinging.

Suffice it to say, Locke isn't the only one who's quickly infatuated with her. There's just something about Celes' confidence that makes her immediately appealing, and something about her vulnerability that keeps her in your heart. You even get to know her softer side with intimate moments like practicing for the opera and caring for her old friend Cid. No joke, Celes had us fawning like starry-eyed recruits.

Vamp is kind of an asshole, but he's also pretty sexy in that hangs-out-at-goth-clubs kind of way. There's something about a guy with long, dark hair, fangs, and a Romanian accent - the fact that he can predict your movements just by watching your muscles tense and relax is the maraschino cherry on top. Speaking of thick red liquids, he also drinks blood, which is admittedly kind of a turn off… or turn-on, depending on where you're coming from in life. Not judging.

Unique talents aside, you have to appreciate Vamp for making Raiden a teresting character purely by osmosis. And his story is actually pretty tragic - he's the literal embodiment of Metal Gear's "cycle of death on behalf of nations and ideals" theme. Metal Gear's given tragic deaths to many adversaries, but Vamp's plucked at our heartstrings more than most. When he finally croaks for good in Metal Gear Solid 4, it's more "goodnight, sweet prince," than "and stay dead, you son of a bitch".

You can't spit without hitting a brash, adventurous prince in the canon of fantasy RPGs, but it's less often that you get to watch them grow into strong and noble kings. In a game that's all about staying loyal to your friends and your ideals, Chrom is dealt the harshest blows of any, eventually casting aside his youthful commitment to peace and preparing his nation to fight for the greater good.

Of course, it helps that female player Avatars can marry him and have kick-ass future babies. But even if you decide to have your kick-ass future babies with someone else, the bond that Chrom shares with his rag-tag crew of adventurers is truly something special - in particular his total trust and support of your Avatar. It's enough to send your heart all a-flutter when he compliments your choice of tactics.

John Marston's a unique guy. Though at first he appears to be a typical gunslinger, he eventually grows into a fully fleshed-out protagonist with morals and scruples we sympathize with. He's not riding around the wilderness skinning rabbits and murdering people because he wants to - he's riding around the wilderness skinning rabbits and murdering people because he has to. For his family.

Yes, Marston is a family man, and that's the reason we ended up falling for him. He's a kind soul who will do anything and everything to look out for his family. He's the kind of guy you take home to your family; the kind of guy who your father would love to go hunting with. He's just a hell of a guy. Plus, you know, he's ruggedly sexy. Gotta love a guy with some wicked scars.

Our love for Yorda was less like a relationship and more like a sibling thing. These emotions didn't form right away, however. For the first hour or so she was an inconvenience and nothing more. She managed to be annoying despite being mute, which is a feat in and of itself, and her helplessness was nothing if not infuriating.

It wasn't until Yorda was put into danger that we realized how attached to her we were. She was like a little brother or sister we had to protect, and even though our on-screen character was technically younger, we still felt like the bigger sibling. We worried for her not just because her capture was the failure state, but because of an honest-to-goodness attachment.

Like you're surprised to see another Uncharted character on this list. Elena Fisher has been Nathan Drake's on-again-off-again partner throughout all three Uncharted games, though we think our actual feelings for Elena started showing up in the second one. In the first, she was a cute side-character, but she didn't have a ton of time to develop. When she showed up in the second game, however, we realized how much we had missed her, and it certainly wasn't because of her marksmanship.

A lot of credit is owed to Emily Rose, the voice actress for Elena. Her talented vocals have helped Elena rise from annoying reporter to full-blown crush, the kind we'd slip lovey-dovey notes to in junior high. Heck, we doubt we'd even have the guts to approach her ourselves; we'd likely need to give a note to a friend of ours to give to a friend of hers to give to her.

It started off plainly enough: our neighbor came over for a housewarming party once we moved in, and we told them a few jokes. But then they came over again and the jokes became flirts. And then the flirts became more flirts. And then they slapped us, but then the jokes became more flirts. Cut to a few months later and we were married, pumping out kids like no one's business.

Such is life in The Sims, but as strange and insane as it might sound, we've found it hard not to grow emotionally attached to the characters we end up WooHooing with. Sure, they're digital, soulless, and speak in gibberish, but we're playing as avatars of ourselves, living vicariously through digital characters. We're living the lives we want to live, going through the daily motions as we would in real life but in fast-forward, seeing our past, present, and future, all as we wish it was. And then there's the one, the one we fell in love with, living alongside us. Playing The Sims is like having a lucid dream, and good luck not falling in love with your dream.

There wasn't really any semblance of romance in the original Half-Life. Gordon was essentially alone in the Black Mesa Research Facility. Well, technically it was him, a few workers, and a bunch of aliens, but there was no one to have an emotional attachment to. And then Alyx came strutting into our lives in Half-Life 2 like it was no big deal, and absolutely ruined our hearts.

Since Gordon Freeman is a silent, invisible protagonist, he's really nothing more than an extension of the player, making Alyx's coy smiles, shy laughter and touching words all the more powerful. You can fawn over SoulCalibur's curvacious ladies all you want - the feeling we got when Alyx put her hand on the window as the elevator went down makes Ivy's cleavage (and even her neathage) fade into the background.

Zelda's cute and all, but she's sort of an arranged marriage for Link - the wife the Hero of Time is destined to have and all that. And then there's Malon, the adorable, unassuming, red-headed farm girl who spends her nights singing outside of Hyrule Castle. When you first meet her she's a cute little girl, but when the game flies forward by 10 years, she's instantly turned into a teenager that (as teenagers ourselves at the time) we were head-over-heels for.

Malon is sort of the forbidden fruit of the Zelda series. There's no way Nintendo would ever include an overtly romantic sub-plot of any kind in one of its games, so most encounters even with Zelda are kept to an uncomfortable hug. That means that Malon, who's even further away from being a romantic interest, is even further away from our grasp. Beyond being helpful, kind, and awesome, she's also just out of reach, which makes her all the more alluring.

What is there to say about Garrus that hasn't been scrawled onto the back cover of a teenage girl's Trapper Keeper? The guy's a heartthrob, plain and simple. There's just something about him that makes women weak in the knees, and the mere utterance of his name brings panties flying in from every direction. His calm, soothing voice, his charming personality, his... sort of creepy, bug/kitty appearance... It's hard to figure out exactly what makes Garrus so damn appealing, but whatever "it" is, he has it.

As a squadmate in all three Mass Effect games, Garrus proves to be 100 percent loyal. He never questions Shepard's motives. He never flips out and throws a tantrum if he doesn't get his way. Even if you intentionally screw up his revenge plan, he walks away, totally cool about the situation. We're like, "Sorry we ruined your revenge," and he's all like "Whatever, you were right. Thanks for not letting me kill that guy. Let's go clubbing!" And then he's the designated driver, because he's THAT AWESOME.

Ah, we feel all flushed just thinking about all those lovable so-and-sos. But sure enough, we haven't highlighted all the deserving candidates out there. Make sure you let us know who we missed in the comments below!

Want more romance? Be sure to read the .

In the last few weeks, I've committed to a relationship with a horned sassmaster in Dragon Age: Inquisition, witnessed a noir romance in . There's a lot of love in all that code, but like the grouchy curmudgeon I am, I sit here decrying youthful joy and pointing out that that's not how real relationships work, bah humbug!

My hyperbolic bitterness aside, video games really do give some terrible romantic advice, and I don't just mean the dating sims. Look long and hard enough, and you'll start to notice the same implicit, wink-and-a-nod suggestions about why common interests don't really matter and how buying love works great. Sure, everyone's different, so some of this advice might work on some people some of the time. But if you go out there thinking it's as sure-fire as Cupid's arrows? You're gonna be in for some serious heartbreak. Consider this Top 7 a warning. Trust me. I know all about bad love advice.

In video games… between all the village-avenging, death-defying, and mook-killing game characters deal with on a daily basis, there usually isn't much time to kindle a proper romance. Asking someone out is rough enough when all you have to worry about is whether you have something in your teeth and whether the mustard stain really came out of your favorite shirt. When you can barely hold a conversation because the clock on this nuke is counting down way faster than it should, that's gonna throw off your game. But get that heartfelt love confession out between waves of howling enemies and, barring a heroic sacrifice during the last cutscene, you two are together for life.

But really… While asking your crush out to coffee without forgetting what language is can be a challenge, there's a whole new set of puzzles waiting in relationship-land. You never see video game characters argue about where the money's going to come from for a new rebel hideout, or start a shouting match because one of them left the legendary weapons out in the rain again. Relationships take work, and it's certainly worth the effort to be with someone awesome. Just keep in mind that comparatively, getting the date is the equivalent of the level one boss.

In video games… our lovebirds meet just as they kick off their adventures, and during their journey to the big bad's hideout/the promised land/MacGuffins "R" Us they fall for each other. You'll usually get a few cutscenes where they discuss their immediate futures, and Person A will definitely save Person B at least once. A little longer and then they start gazing into each other's eyes and shouting each other's names in moments of peril, and all that's left is to pick the wedding venue.

But really… did a discussion of hobbies ever come up? How about beliefs and values not immediately important to the plot? Whether they like their eggs scrambled or sunny side up?? Yes, obviously games have to be economical with their time, and lovebirds exchanging recipes probably ends up on the cutting room floor. However, that often leaves us looking at a couple who have seemingly nothing in common, because they never actually talk. Can you name one thing that Squall and Rinoa share aside from a mission to save the world and intense social stupidity? No you cannot, because they don't have one. That might be fine for them, but real relationships tend to last longer than twenty hours, so follow this bit of gaming's best romance wisdom and you're going to run out of stuff to talk about real fast.

In video games… you solve puzzles by putting item A into slot B, and relationships are basically puzzles, so it's really the same thing. I of course mean that item A is a gift and/or good deed of sorts, and slot B is the person that you love, and those gifts are the key to the puzzle of their heart (I know what you were thinking, pervert). The same way you feed coins into a vending machine and get health packs out, you feed kindness into your crush and will inevitably get love out. That's just economics.

But really… while there are plenty of folks out there who dream of being showered with gifts and affection by a generous suitor, it isn't as ubiquitous as games make it look. In fact, some people don't like receiving gifts or being the focus of over-the-top good deeds, especially when the giver has never disclosed their true intentions and/or has said maybe five words to them in their entire life. The discomfort meter fills up even faster when the giver's looking for something unspoken in return, especially if they do it with a creepy smile while breathing really hard. Don't be that giver.

In video games… when you have multiple romance options, you're probably going to have a favorite. You could focus all of your attention on them, trying to kindle a deep romance that will one day see you rocking on a digital porch together with wrinkly old face textures. But there is a chance they might not like you, meaning you'll end up romance-less, die alone, and most likely get eaten by your many cats. Best to play the field from the get-go and create as many romantic opportunities as possible, then pick and choose from the lovelorn fish you managed to hook.

But really… the lady/gent you're carrying a torch for has peripheral vision, and can definitely see you flirting with someone else less than five feet away. Some games do a good job of showing the jealousy this creates - romantic rivals in Mass Effect throw legendary shade - but it usually doesn't get past sexy catfighting for exclusive right to play tonsil-hockey with you. You never see the love interest who knows they're too good for this shit and peaces out - in games anyway. You'll see a lot more of that in the real world.

In video games… it can be nerve-wracking trying to court an RPG companion or dating sim cutie, because sometimes you just don't know what's going to get the best response. But don't worry - if you get stuck, there are plenty of walkthroughs and guides that tell you exactly what you need to do to raise your beloved's love meter. Whether it's what tasks you need to perform or how you should converse with them down to individual dialogue options, winning them over is a simple process as long as you follow the manual.

But really… While romancing a certain so-and-so in Dragon Age, I had to choose between jailing or killing a criminal. I decided that jailing him would be the best call... and my darling love greatly disapproved. Goddamn! It may be easy to reload a save and change my mind in a game, but if I confronted a similarly tough ultimatum in real life, giving in wouldn't be good for either of us. Sure, it means less conflict now, but it makes me miserable, makes my beau feel like I'm never being genuine with them, and creates a relationship that can't handle even the slightest bit of blowback. And it will come. Oh boy will it ever come.

In video games… something terrible's happened that's left your digital love interest utterly distraught. Their village burned down, their family's dead, their favorite character kicked it in Game of Thrones - whatever the specifics, some heart-shattering tragedy has occurred that's left them beside themselves. This is naturally the perfect time for you to console them. Yep. Console them. You know what I'm getting at, insert inappropriately obvious wink. By supporting them in their time of need, they see you truly care, and the two of you cement your relationship, which may or may not involve making out in a pond.

But really… I'm not going to say this never works, because for some folks physical comfort really is the best medicine. Different strokes and all. But there's also a chance your love interest will find you coming onto them when they're at their lowest seriously annoying, if not unbelievably creepy. You really need to know someone before you make this move, and given it usually happens at the same time as the couple's first kiss? 'Courting disaster' sums it up nicely.

In video games… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned guides being the way to your beloved's heart? Well bring that one 'round again, because they're essential to getting everything right. It might be a rough road winning the heart of a picky potential partner, and you might have to do some things you aren't proud of (be prepared to hide more than one body). But with determination and meticulous attention to detail, you can guarantee you'll get the happy ending you so desperately want.

But really… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned that guides don't work in real life? And a few slides before that, when I pointed out everything on this list is really bad advice - you get where I'm going with this. As rough as it might be, you can 'do everything right' in a bid to win another person's affections, and they might still turn you down because they don't feel the same. As heartbreaking as that can be, it doesn't make either of you bad people, or your connection any less valuable. And hey, it's a big 'ol world out there. Game characters may be stuck to the romantic paths coded for them, but you? Your love life is yours to generate

Those are the Top 7 worst bits of gaming love advice and how disastrous it can be when they’re applied to the real world. All that finger-wagging might make me sound like a loveless sourpuss, but trust me when I say that isn’t so! I mean, I definitely refer to Valentine’s as Single’s Awareness Day, but when it comes to you having a happy love life, I want nothing more than for you to succeed - and avoid every one of these romantic snares with Pitfall!-like grace. Ever tried out one of these suggestions yourself? Got any stories of associated disaster, or did this all totally work for you and I have no idea what I’m talking about? Go ahead and break hearts in the comments below.

In the last few weeks, I've committed to a relationship with a horned sassmaster in Dragon Age: Inquisition, witnessed a noir romance in . There's a lot of love in all that code, but like the grouchy curmudgeon I am, I sit here decrying youthful joy and pointing out that that's not how real relationships work, bah humbug!

My hyperbolic bitterness aside, video games really do give some terrible romantic advice, and I don't just mean the dating sims. Look long and hard enough, and you'll start to notice the same implicit, wink-and-a-nod suggestions about why common interests don't really matter and how buying love works great. Sure, everyone's different, so some of this advice might work on some people some of the time. But if you go out there thinking it's as sure-fire as Cupid's arrows? You're gonna be in for some serious heartbreak. Consider this Top 7 a warning. Trust me. I know all about bad love advice.

In video games… between all the village-avenging, death-defying, and mook-killing game characters deal with on a daily basis, there usually isn't much time to kindle a proper romance. Asking someone out is rough enough when all you have to worry about is whether you have something in your teeth and whether the mustard stain really came out of your favorite shirt. When you can barely hold a conversation because the clock on this nuke is counting down way faster than it should, that's gonna throw off your game. But get that heartfelt love confession out between waves of howling enemies and, barring a heroic sacrifice during the last cutscene, you two are together for life.

But really… While asking your crush out to coffee without forgetting what language is can be a challenge, there's a whole new set of puzzles waiting in relationship-land. You never see video game characters argue about where the money's going to come from for a new rebel hideout, or start a shouting match because one of them left the legendary weapons out in the rain again. Relationships take work, and it's certainly worth the effort to be with someone awesome. Just keep in mind that comparatively, getting the date is the equivalent of the level one boss.

In video games… our lovebirds meet just as they kick off their adventures, and during their journey to the big bad's hideout/the promised land/MacGuffins "R" Us they fall for each other. You'll usually get a few cutscenes where they discuss their immediate futures, and Person A will definitely save Person B at least once. A little longer and then they start gazing into each other's eyes and shouting each other's names in moments of peril, and all that's left is to pick the wedding venue.

But really… did a discussion of hobbies ever come up? How about beliefs and values not immediately important to the plot? Whether they like their eggs scrambled or sunny side up?? Yes, obviously games have to be economical with their time, and lovebirds exchanging recipes probably ends up on the cutting room floor. However, that often leaves us looking at a couple who have seemingly nothing in common, because they never actually talk. Can you name one thing that Squall and Rinoa share aside from a mission to save the world and intense social stupidity? No you cannot, because they don't have one. That might be fine for them, but real relationships tend to last longer than twenty hours, so follow this bit of gaming's best romance wisdom and you're going to run out of stuff to talk about real fast.

In video games… you solve puzzles by putting item A into slot B, and relationships are basically puzzles, so it's really the same thing. I of course mean that item A is a gift and/or good deed of sorts, and slot B is the person that you love, and those gifts are the key to the puzzle of their heart (I know what you were thinking, pervert). The same way you feed coins into a vending machine and get health packs out, you feed kindness into your crush and will inevitably get love out. That's just economics.

But really… while there are plenty of folks out there who dream of being showered with gifts and affection by a generous suitor, it isn't as ubiquitous as games make it look. In fact, some people don't like receiving gifts or being the focus of over-the-top good deeds, especially when the giver has never disclosed their true intentions and/or has said maybe five words to them in their entire life. The discomfort meter fills up even faster when the giver's looking for something unspoken in return, especially if they do it with a creepy smile while breathing really hard. Don't be that giver.

In video games… when you have multiple romance options, you're probably going to have a favorite. You could focus all of your attention on them, trying to kindle a deep romance that will one day see you rocking on a digital porch together with wrinkly old face textures. But there is a chance they might not like you, meaning you'll end up romance-less, die alone, and most likely get eaten by your many cats. Best to play the field from the get-go and create as many romantic opportunities as possible, then pick and choose from the lovelorn fish you managed to hook.

But really… the lady/gent you're carrying a torch for has peripheral vision, and can definitely see you flirting with someone else less than five feet away. Some games do a good job of showing the jealousy this creates - romantic rivals in Mass Effect throw legendary shade - but it usually doesn't get past sexy catfighting for exclusive right to play tonsil-hockey with you. You never see the love interest who knows they're too good for this shit and peaces out - in games anyway. You'll see a lot more of that in the real world.

In video games… it can be nerve-wracking trying to court an RPG companion or dating sim cutie, because sometimes you just don't know what's going to get the best response. But don't worry - if you get stuck, there are plenty of walkthroughs and guides that tell you exactly what you need to do to raise your beloved's love meter. Whether it's what tasks you need to perform or how you should converse with them down to individual dialogue options, winning them over is a simple process as long as you follow the manual.

But really… While romancing a certain so-and-so in Dragon Age, I had to choose between jailing or killing a criminal. I decided that jailing him would be the best call... and my darling love greatly disapproved. Goddamn! It may be easy to reload a save and change my mind in a game, but if I confronted a similarly tough ultimatum in real life, giving in wouldn't be good for either of us. Sure, it means less conflict now, but it makes me miserable, makes my beau feel like I'm never being genuine with them, and creates a relationship that can't handle even the slightest bit of blowback. And it will come. Oh boy will it ever come.

In video games… something terrible's happened that's left your digital love interest utterly distraught. Their village burned down, their family's dead, their favorite character kicked it in Game of Thrones - whatever the specifics, some heart-shattering tragedy has occurred that's left them beside themselves. This is naturally the perfect time for you to console them. Yep. Console them. You know what I'm getting at, insert inappropriately obvious wink. By supporting them in their time of need, they see you truly care, and the two of you cement your relationship, which may or may not involve making out in a pond.

But really… I'm not going to say this never works, because for some folks physical comfort really is the best medicine. Different strokes and all. But there's also a chance your love interest will find you coming onto them when they're at their lowest seriously annoying, if not unbelievably creepy. You really need to know someone before you make this move, and given it usually happens at the same time as the couple's first kiss? 'Courting disaster' sums it up nicely.

In video games… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned guides being the way to your beloved's heart? Well bring that one 'round again, because they're essential to getting everything right. It might be a rough road winning the heart of a picky potential partner, and you might have to do some things you aren't proud of (be prepared to hide more than one body). But with determination and meticulous attention to detail, you can guarantee you'll get the happy ending you so desperately want.

But really… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned that guides don't work in real life? And a few slides before that, when I pointed out everything on this list is really bad advice - you get where I'm going with this. As rough as it might be, you can 'do everything right' in a bid to win another person's affections, and they might still turn you down because they don't feel the same. As heartbreaking as that can be, it doesn't make either of you bad people, or the connection you did have any less valuable. And hey, it's a big 'ol world out there. Game characters may be stuck to the romantic paths coded for them, but you? Your love life is yours to generate

Those are the Top 7 worst bits of gaming love advice and how disastrous it can be when they’re applied to the real world. All that finger-wagging might make me sound like a loveless sourpuss, but trust me when I say that isn’t so! I mean, I definitely refer to Valentine’s as Single’s Awareness Day, but when it comes to you having a happy love life, I want nothing more than for you to succeed - and avoid every one of these romantic snares with Pitfall!-like grace. Ever tried out one of these suggestions yourself? Got any stories of associated disaster, or did this all totally work for you and I have no idea what I’m talking about? Go ahead and break hearts in the comments below.

In the last few weeks, I've committed to a relationship with a horned sassmaster in Dragon Age: Inquisition, witnessed a noir romance in . There's a lot of love in all that code, but like the grouchy curmudgeon I am, I sit here decrying youthful joy and pointing out that that's not how real relationships work, bah humbug!

My hyperbolic bitterness aside, video games really do give some terrible romantic advice, and I don't just mean the dating sims. Look long and hard enough, and you'll start to notice the same implicit, wink-and-a-nod suggestions about why common interests don't really matter and how buying love works great. Sure, everyone's different, so some of this advice might work on some people some of the time. But if you go out there thinking it's as sure-fire as Cupid's arrows? You're gonna be in for some serious heartbreak. Consider this Top 7 a warning. Trust me. I know all about bad love advice.

In video games… between all the village-avenging, death-defying, and mook-killing game characters deal with on a daily basis, there usually isn't much time to kindle a proper romance. Asking someone out is rough enough when all you have to worry about is whether you have something in your teeth and whether the mustard stain really came out of your favorite shirt. When you can barely hold a conversation because the clock on this nuke is counting down way faster than it should, that's gonna throw off your game. But get that heartfelt love confession out between waves of howling enemies and, barring a heroic sacrifice during the last cutscene, you two are together for life.

But really… While asking your crush out to coffee without forgetting what language is can be a challenge, there's a whole new set of puzzles waiting in relationship-land. You never see video game characters argue about where the money's going to come from for a new rebel hideout, or start a shouting match because one of them left the legendary weapons out in the rain again. Relationships take work, and it's certainly worth the effort to be with someone awesome. Just keep in mind that comparatively, getting the date is the equivalent of the level one boss.

In video games… our lovebirds meet just as they kick off their adventures, and during their journey to the big bad's hideout/the promised land/MacGuffins "R" Us they fall for each other. You'll usually get a few cutscenes where they discuss their immediate futures, and Person A will definitely save Person B at least once. A little longer and then they start gazing into each other's eyes and shouting each other's names in moments of peril, and all that's left is to pick the wedding venue.

But really… did a discussion of hobbies ever come up? How about beliefs and values not immediately important to the plot? Whether they like their eggs scrambled or sunny side up?? Yes, obviously games have to be economical with their time, and lovebirds exchanging recipes probably ends up on the cutting room floor. However, that often leaves us looking at a couple who have seemingly nothing in common, because they never actually talk. Can you name one thing that Squall and Rinoa share aside from a mission to save the world and intense social stupidity? No you cannot, because they don't have one. That might be fine for them, but real relationships tend to last longer than twenty hours, so follow this bit of gaming's best romance wisdom and you're going to run out of stuff to talk about real fast.

In video games… you solve puzzles by putting item A into slot B, and relationships are basically puzzles, so it's really the same thing. I of course mean that item A is a gift and/or good deed of sorts, and slot B is the person that you love, and those gifts are the key to the puzzle of their heart (I know what you were thinking, pervert). The same way you feed coins into a vending machine and get health packs out, you feed kindness into your crush and will inevitably get love out. That's just economics.

But really… while there are plenty of folks out there who dream of being showered with gifts and affection by a generous suitor, it isn't as ubiquitous as games make it look. In fact, some people don't like receiving gifts or being the focus of over-the-top good deeds, especially when the giver has never disclosed their true intentions and/or has said maybe five words to them in their entire life. The discomfort meter fills up even faster when the giver's looking for something unspoken in return, especially if they do it with a creepy smile while breathing really hard. Don't be that giver.

In video games… when you have multiple romance options, you're probably going to have a favorite. You could focus all of your attention on them, trying to kindle a deep romance that will one day see you rocking on a digital porch together with wrinkly old face textures. But there is a chance they might not like you, meaning you'll end up romance-less, die alone, and most likely get eaten by your many cats. Best to play the field from the get-go and create as many romantic opportunities as possible, then pick and choose from the lovelorn fish you managed to hook.

But really… the lady/gent you're carrying a torch for has peripheral vision, and can definitely see you flirting with someone else less than five feet away. Some games do a good job of showing the jealousy this creates - romantic rivals in Mass Effect throw legendary shade - but it usually doesn't get past sexy catfighting for exclusive right to play tonsil-hockey with you. You never see the love interest who knows they're too good for this shit and peaces out - in games anyway. You'll see a lot more of that in the real world.

In video games… it can be nerve-wracking trying to court an RPG companion or dating sim cutie, because sometimes you just don't know what's going to get the best response. But don't worry - if you get stuck, there are plenty of walkthroughs and guides that tell you exactly what you need to do to raise your beloved's love meter. Whether it's what tasks you need to perform or how you should converse with them down to individual dialogue options, winning them over is a simple process as long as you follow the manual.

But really… While romancing a certain so-and-so in Dragon Age, I had to choose between jailing or killing a criminal. I decided that jailing him would be the best call... and my darling love greatly disapproved. Goddamn! It may be easy to reload a save and change my mind in a game, but if I confronted a similarly tough ultimatum in real life, giving in wouldn't be good for either of us. Sure, it means less conflict now, but it makes me miserable, makes my beau feel like I'm never being genuine with them, and creates a relationship that can't handle even the slightest bit of blowback. And it will come. Oh boy will it ever come.

In video games… something terrible's happened that's left your digital love interest utterly distraught. Their village burned down, their family's dead, their favorite character kicked it in Game of Thrones - whatever the specifics, some heart-shattering tragedy has occurred that's left them beside themselves. This is naturally the perfect time for you to console them. Yep. Console them. You know what I'm getting at, insert inappropriately obvious wink. By supporting them in their time of need, they see you truly care, and the two of you cement your relationship, which may or may not involve making out in a pond.

But really… I'm not going to say this never works, because for some folks physical comfort really is the best medicine. Different strokes and all. But there's also a chance your love interest will find you coming onto them when they're at their lowest seriously annoying, if not unbelievably creepy. You really need to know someone before you make this move, and given it usually happens at the same time as the couple's first kiss? 'Courting disaster' sums it up nicely.

In video games… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned guides being the way to your beloved's heart? Well bring that one 'round again, because they're essential to getting everything right. It might be a rough road winning the heart of a picky potential partner, and you might have to do some things you aren't proud of (be prepared to hide more than one body). But with determination and meticulous attention to detail, you can guarantee you'll get the happy ending you so desperately want.

But really… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned that guides don't work in real life? And a few slides before that, when I pointed out everything on this list is really bad advice - you get where I'm going with this. As rough as it might be, you can 'do everything right' in a bid to win another person's affections, and they might still turn you down because they don't feel the same. As heartbreaking as that can be, it doesn't make either of you bad people, or your connection any less valuable. And hey, it's a big 'ol world out there. Game characters may be stuck to the romantic paths coded for them, but you? Your love life is yours to generate

Those are the Top 7 worst bits of gaming love advice and how disastrous it can be when they’re applied to the real world. All that finger-wagging might make me sound like a loveless sourpuss, but trust me when I say that isn’t so! I mean, I definitely refer to Valentine’s as Single’s Awareness Day, but when it comes to you having a happy love life, I want nothing more than for you to succeed - and avoid every one of these romantic snares with Pitfall!-like grace. Ever tried out one of these suggestions yourself? Got any stories of associated disaster, or did this all totally work for you and I have no idea what I’m talking about? Go ahead and break hearts in the comments below.

In the last few weeks, I've committed to a relationship with a horned sassmaster in Dragon Age: Inquisition, witnessed a noir romance in . There's a lot of love in all that code, but like the grouchy curmudgeon I am, I sit here decrying youthful joy and pointing out that that's not how real relationships work, bah humbug!

My hyperbolic bitterness aside, video games really do give some terrible romantic advice, and I don't just mean the dating sims. Look long and hard enough, and you'll start to notice the same implicit, wink-and-a-nod suggestions about why common interests don't really matter and how buying love works great. Sure, everyone's different, so some of this advice might work on some people some of the time. But if you go out there thinking it's as sure-fire as Cupid's arrows? You're gonna be in for some serious heartbreak. Consider this Top 7 a warning. Trust me. I know all about bad love advice.

In video games… between all the village-avenging, death-defying, and mook-killing game characters deal with on a daily basis, there usually isn't much time to kindle a proper romance. Asking someone out is rough enough when all you have to worry about is whether you have something in your teeth and whether the mustard stain really came out of your favorite shirt. When you can barely hold a conversation because the clock on this nuke is counting down way faster than it should, that's gonna throw off your game. But get that heartfelt love confession out between waves of howling enemies and, barring a heroic sacrifice during the last cutscene, you two are together for life.

But really… While asking your crush out to coffee without forgetting what language is can be a challenge, there's a whole new set of puzzles waiting in relationship-land. You never see video game characters argue about where the money's going to come from for a new rebel hideout, or start a shouting match because one of them left the legendary weapons out in the rain again. Relationships take work, and it's certainly worth the effort to be with someone awesome. Just keep in mind that comparatively, getting the date is the equivalent of the level one boss.

In video games… our lovebirds meet just as they kick off their adventures, and during their journey to the big bad's hideout/the promised land/MacGuffins "R" Us they fall for each other. You'll usually get a few cutscenes where they discuss their immediate futures, and Person A will definitely save Person B at least once. A little longer and then they start gazing into each other's eyes and shouting each other's names in moments of peril, and all that's left is to pick the wedding venue.

But really… did a discussion of hobbies ever come up? How about beliefs and values not immediately important to the plot? Whether they like their eggs scrambled or sunny side up?? Yes, obviously games have to be economical with their time, and lovebirds exchanging recipes probably ends up on the cutting room floor. However, that often leaves us looking at a couple who have seemingly nothing in common, because they never actually talk. Can you name one thing that Squall and Rinoa share aside from a mission to save the world and intense social stupidity? No you cannot, because they don't have one. That might be fine for them, but real relationships tend to last longer than twenty hours, so follow this bit of gaming's best romance wisdom and you're going to run out of stuff to talk about real fast.

In video games… you solve puzzles by putting item A into slot B, and relationships are basically puzzles, so it's really the same thing. I of course mean that item A is a gift and/or good deed of sorts, and slot B is the person that you love, and those gifts are the key to the puzzle of their heart (I know what you were thinking, pervert). The same way you feed coins into a vending machine and get health packs out, you feed kindness into your crush and will inevitably get love out. That's just economics.

But really… while there are plenty of folks out there who dream of being showered with gifts and affection by a generous suitor, it isn't as ubiquitous as games make it look. In fact, some people don't like receiving gifts or being the focus of over-the-top good deeds, especially when the giver has never disclosed their true intentions and/or has said maybe five words to them in their entire life. The discomfort meter fills up even faster when the giver's looking for something unspoken in return, especially if they do it with a creepy smile while breathing really hard. Don't be that giver.

In video games… when you have multiple romance options, you're probably going to have a favorite. You could focus all of your attention on them, trying to kindle a deep romance that will one day see you rocking on a digital porch together with wrinkly old face textures. But there is a chance they might not like you, meaning you'll end up romance-less, die alone, and most likely get eaten by your many cats. Best to play the field from the get-go and create as many romantic opportunities as possible, then pick and choose from the lovelorn fish you managed to hook.

But really… the lady/gent you're carrying a torch for has peripheral vision, and can definitely see you flirting with someone else less than five feet away. Some games do a good job of showing the jealousy this creates - romantic rivals in Mass Effect throw legendary shade - but it usually doesn't get past sexy catfighting for exclusive right to play tonsil-hockey with you. You never see the love interest who knows they're too good for this shit and peaces out - in games anyway. You'll see a lot more of that in the real world.

In video games… it can be nerve-wracking trying to court an RPG companion or dating sim cutie, because sometimes you just don't know what's going to get the best response. But don't worry - if you get stuck, there are plenty of walkthroughs and guides that tell you exactly what you need to do to raise your beloved's love meter. Whether it's what tasks you need to perform or how you should converse with them down to individual dialogue options, winning them over is a simple process as long as you follow the manual.

But really… While romancing a certain so-and-so in Dragon Age, I had to choose between jailing or killing a criminal. I decided that jailing him would be the best call... and my darling love greatly disapproved. Goddamn! It may be easy to reload a save and change my mind in a game, but if I confronted a similarly tough ultimatum in real life, giving in wouldn't be good for either of us. Sure, it means less conflict now, but it makes me miserable, makes my beau feel like I'm never being genuine with them, and creates a relationship that can't handle even the slightest bit of blowback. And it will come. Oh boy will it ever come.

In video games… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned guides being the way to your beloved's heart? Well bring that one 'round again, because they're essential to getting everything right. It might be a rough road winning the heart of a picky potential partner, and you might have to do some things you aren't proud of (be prepared to hide more than one body). But with determination and meticulous attention to detail, you can guarantee you'll get the happy ending you so desperately want.

But really… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned that guides don't work in real life? And a few slides before that, when I pointed out everything on this list is really bad advice - you get where I'm going with this. As rough as it might be, you can 'do everything right' in a bid to win another person's affections, and they might still turn you down because they don't feel the same. As heartbreaking as that can be, it doesn't make either of you bad people, or the connection you did have any less valuable. And hey, it's a big 'ol world out there. Game characters may be stuck to the romantic paths coded for them, but you? Your love life is yours to generate

Those are the Top 7 worst bits of gaming love advice and how disastrous it can be when they’re applied to the real world. All that finger-wagging might make me sound like a loveless sourpuss, but trust me when I say that isn’t so! I mean, I definitely refer to Valentine’s as Single’s Awareness Day, but when it comes to you having a happy love life, I want nothing more than for you to succeed - and avoid every one of these romantic snares with Pitfall!-like grace. Ever tried out one of these suggestions yourself? Got any stories of associated disaster, or did this all totally work for you and I have no idea what I’m talking about? Go ahead and break hearts in the comments below.